I Wanna Be The Ralph
by StupidSequel
Summary: After getting drunk at Tappers, Ralph finds out his drunk episode is on YouTube and decides to redeem himself by going through I Wanna Be The Guy. He chickens out and moves to Crazy Bus, the easiest and most pointless game. While Ralph is gone, Felix decides that Cybugs are a good replacement for wrecking things, until their replacement makes him reluctant to move in with Calhoun.


**I Wanna Be The Ralph**

**(AN: I know there's going to be a sequel to Wreck it Ralph IRL. This crackfic is written as a sequel, but consider it an alternate reality because there's a 99.99% chance this one is different from the real sequel.)  
**

"What the hell did I do last night?" Ralph woke up hung over. "And what am I doing in Mission Runway?"

"You might wanna check YouTube," one of the sexy stripperific models told him cutely.

Ralph got back to his game and checked YouTube.

"Oh God, did I really eat nerds candy from between Princess Peach's boobs? I DID! So that's why Mario and I were fist fighting each other to the death that was more intense than U of L versus U of K."

"And this is why you've been banned from Tappers." The apartment guy said to him, arms crossed.

"Know what? I'm going out for a long, long time to earn a medal to redeem myself, from I Wanna Be the Guy, one of the hardest games ever. Felix, you're in charge of wrecking and fixing while I'm gone. Cheerio! But first, I have to do what has to be done by me."

Ralph left Game Central Station and went into the internet, and from there, to YouTube. "EVERYONE CAN SEE MY EMBARRASSING NIGHT AT TAPPERS! I'M GONNA WRECK IT!" Ralph pounded his fists all over the 5 star ratings, the channel designs, and all the creativity of such. When he was done, YouTube looked exactly as it does now IRL, with the thumbs up/thumbs down, white eye burning layout (one of the people surfing YouTube actually had their eyes melt out of their sockets from the layout), Cosmic Panda channel designs, and some users using their real names instead of a username. One user had their Social Security Number instead of a username.

"Since YouTube has a shitty layout now, less people are gonna wanna watch my embarrassing night at Tappers."

Back to Game Central Station he went, and Ralph found himself in the spike covered universe of I Wanna Be the Guy. "Oooh, easy peasy" were his last words before getting pelted by the moon. "WHAT THE? I thought it was part of the background!"

"Watch out, dude." The kid said.

"The computer cheats. I CALL BULLSHIT! And the fact that if I die outside my own game, I don't respawn… Alright, I didn't wanna ask this, but forget the hardest game ever. What is the easiest game ever? A game I couldn't possibly die in?"

"Oh, you suddenly want to puss out? Fine then, there is a game from Venezuela called Crazy Bus. But I don't think earning a medal in that one is an achievement at all, so you might get mocked for it."

"I don't care. I just wanna go there and win my medal."

"You know, you are welcome to use the immortality cheat to get thru this."

"Thanks, but I don't like cheating. I think it's wrong."

So Ralph jumped to the Crazy Bus game, the same horrible one that Stanburdman reviewed and called the final boss of the internet.

"AUGH! TURN OFF THE SKRILLEX MUSIC PL0X!"

"This isn't Skrillex," the school bus driver said. "That is the title theme."

"Please turn it off! It's so atonal that nothing could possibly go with this, not even the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme or Guile's theme. It sounds like Giygas raping an ice cream truck! So how do you earn a medal in this game?"

"By driving 65,535 meters, and no, I can't turn it off. It always plays, but I've been here long enough to be able to tune it out. In fact, I think it's so funny it's not annoying now."

"Doesn't seem so hard, especially compared to I Wanna Be the Guy."

Ralph chose a city bus. The background scenery consisted of nothing but a horribly rendered and uncompressed image of a city bus that was probably gotten from a quick Google image search. The bus went soo freaking slow! When Ralph got to the end of the street, he instantly reappeared on the other side. There was one passenger, and he was reading a newspaper. He had stinky breath.

"Yep. That's pretty much it. That's literally all there is to this game."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm speaking the truth. You just drive forward or backward in a straight line and wrap around to the other side, and try to drive in a straight line until you reach 65,535 meters."

Ralph decided to try another bus. It still went the same speed. And then finally the school bus. Also the same speed. The school bus had a kindergarten kid on it.

"The wheels on the bus go asdfghjkl!" The kindergarten kid sang.

Meanwhile, Felix punched the building. No effect.

"I'm just not cut out to be a wrecker. I'm not as physically strong as Ralph. I need to find a replacement wrecker before this game has to be unplugged, and I think I know a place."

Felix traversed over to Heros' Duty. Everyone was asleep. _Good, good. _He went up the tower where Ralph got his first medal, stole all the Cybug eggs, and placed them in his burlap sack, and then exited the game.

He got back to his own game and released the Cybug eggs.

Next morning, the apartment residents all screamed in terror. A swarm of Cybugs was eating the apartment.

"I can fix it!" Felix exclaimed. His confidence quickly faded. It was like trying to play Whack-a-Mole at a thousand percent speed while playing the Silver Surfer game (the same one reviewed by AVGN) and Touhou's lunatic mode combined. "Somehow I don't think this was a good idea."

"No shit, Sherlock!"

Felix decided he needed a break. "I won't be gone too long. I just need to rendezvous with my boo."

In Heros' Duty:

"Oppa Gangnam Style!"

"What the hell was that?" Felix asked, puzzled.

"Oh, that? Those aren't Cybugs. Because of what you just did, the programmers replaced them with Psybugs so that Hero's Duty would still have a point so it won't be the FPS equivalent of Crazy Bus." The new Psybugs bore likeness to the worldwide famous Korean rapper. "The soldiers here have been trained to hate Gangnam Style, so we must destroy all the Psybugs to prevent from being driven crazy by that awful song."

"I see." Felix felt pumped. He thought getting his own game shut down just to be with Calhoun for life was well worth it.

"Are you really gonna move into my game with me? But if you die outside your own game, you die for realsies! Also, what about your own game?"

"Psssh. Screw that! I don't care about my own game as long as I'm with you."

"You're sure you wanna?"

"Just so you know, it's alright with me if you mess with my programming and do to me what King Candy did to Venellope so I won't ever be tempted to leave."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"Alright."

A few hours later…

"AAAAHHH! I CAN'T STAND GANGNAM STYLE ANYMORE!" Felix tried to leave. It was a no-go.

"Since you're a glitch now, you can't leave."

"You mean I have to listen to the Psybugs sing Gangnam Style a thousand times a day? AAAAUUUGH! Calhoun, please round up all your soldiers and get out of here. I have to get this game unplugged, for I would rather die than listen to Goddamn Style any more times." I don't blame him. Anyone would get tired of Gangnam Style if they were forced to listen to it about fifteen times an hour.

"Um, NEGATORY!" Calhoun insisted. Felix tried to destroy the FPS with his hammer. That made it stronger.

"WHY DO I ALWAYS FIX THINGS? I wish I was Wreck it Ralph instead. Listen, I have to get back to my own game, if I can, because the Cybugs which I replaced Ralph with are probably going to destroy it. I suddenly care now."

"Sure, okay." Calhoun went back to code space and made Felix not a glitch.

Felix went back to his own game. Ralph was still not back yet. "OH COME ON!" The game looked apocalyptic but not quite destroyed all the way. "I can fix it!" He used his magic hammer to restore the game anew, just in time for the Cybugs to mess it up again.

"The game wasn't this exhausting when Ralph was around."

Over at Crazy Bus, Ralph was on the home stretch. 65,535 meters. He did it! He earned his medal.

"Sweet Zombie Jebus! I have my medal! And now, to do some celebratory wrecking!" Ralph pounded his fists all over the Crazy Bus game. No effect. "Huh? This place is harder than diamond."

"It's already been wrecked so hard, it's impossible to wreck it anymore. That's why you can't wreck anything here."

"Screw this medal! I'm going back to IWBTG." Ralph swallowed the medal and went back to IWBTG.

"Give me the immortality cheat so I can play this game and win my medal."

"Okay." It was a done deal. Ralph was going through the game, avoiding falling berries and falling moons, except for when they hit him and they did nothing. He was being pelted by the background itself. Yes, everything was trying to kill him.

"Sweet medal will be mine." Just when Ralph was about to beat the game and get his medal…

"STOP!" It was the kid. "You have to be the final boss now. You wreck things, huh? Well this would be a nice homage to Fix it Felix Jr. Since I defeated the Guy, I wanna be the Ralph now. Bad guys don't win medals."

"But my Crazy Bus medal…"

"That doesn't count. Crazy Bus isn't even a game. It's just something a college student coughed up in a couple hours when he realized he'd only remembered the due date a couple hours before it was due."

"You do realize I still have my invincibility cheat, right?"

"AUGH, that's right." The kid took off Ralph's invincibility cheat. "There."

"Also, I have to get back to my own game, if I can, assuming it hasn't been unplugged yet."

"Not yet. First, you have to be the final boss in this platform hell game."

Even tho it was an intense fist fight, the kid won, and became The Ralph. Now there were two Ralphs. Despite Ralph being physically strong, he sucked at fist fights because he had no setting between off and high, and high would kill the opponent, and he didn't want to do that. Both Ralphs went back to Fix it Felix Jr.

"Two Ralphs? And one of them has a medal!"

"EVERYONE OUT OF THE APARTMENT! I'M GONNA WRECH IT HARD!" Ralph boomed.

After everyone was out, he doused the entire apartment in gasoline and lit it on fire. The Cybugs went into the fire and burned to death.

"I can fix it." Felix used his magic hammer so the apartment was now good as new. "One of the Ralphs, I don't care which one is the real Ralph, I got something to show you and something you need to do for me."

Felix came out with a set of clothes and mask that looked exactly like himself.

"I wanna move in with Calhoun but I don't wanna leave my game, so I need you to dress up as me and move in with her so she thinks she's spending all of eternity with me. Hopefully this disguise will be full proof." Ralph put on the Felix disguise and moved to the Heros' Duty game.

"Hi, Felix."

"I wanna move in with you."

"AWWW! Wait, did you put on a little weight? And why are your fists so big."

"I been pumpin' iron the past twelve months."

"OOOH!" Calhoun said in a seductive tone.

Felix turned to Ralph.

"Now that I have you as a wrecker guy, I no longer have to rely on those Cybugs anymore."

"I thought you were the wrecker guy." Ralph said, puzzled.

"What makes you say that?"

"Because you have the hammer."

"This is a magic hammer that fixes things."

"Really? That doesn't make much sense."

"Trying to associate logic with video games, that's stupid! You'd know if… Oh my God, you're the kid from IWBTG, aren't you! I WANT THE ORIGINAL RALPH BACK!"

Felix stormed into Heros' Duty and pulled Ralph in Felix's costume by the ear.

"FELIX! WE ARE THROUGH! YOU CAN'T JUST DECEIVE LIKE THAT!" Calhoun screamed. "EXPECT REVENGE! YOU AND ALL YOUR GAME CITIZENS WILL PAY!"

All the citizens of Fix it Felix Jr. were faced with a difficult decision. Either be forced to listen to Psy-bugs singing Gangnam Style 24/7 or leave and risk getting unplugged. They chose the latter. Fix it Felix Jr. was now unplugged. Everyone from Fix it Felix Jr. moved to the new game that just entered and replaced Fix it Felix Jr. It was just called "THE GAME" and thinking about it meant you'd lose.


End file.
